Smeg! - The problem page. Aunt Smeg gives you advice for your problems.

The Best Of Aunt Smeg.

Aunt's Helpline Numbers

0898 384167 Pissed the bed again

0898 429864 I married my brother

0898 321525 Woke-up with a fat woman

0898 709236 In love with a Ronco Buttoneer

0898 506491 Minge smells like fish

0898 219386 My man's growing tits

Let's delve into the archives to pull out the very best of the problems Aunt Smeg has solved over the years.

Decoration

Dear Aunt, I am sexually attracted towards wallpaper. Am I strange??
Kev Behan.
I don't think so! Wallpaper can be associated with stripping, which is sexual. You may also see wall coverings in the same way as you see clothes covering a female. In this case you may be tempted to peal back the wallpaper to reveal a kind of nakedness. I shall send you my leaflet on better things to do with your fucking life!

X-Ray Specs

Dear Aunt, my name is Mrs Coober a I have this problem I have these glasses and when I look into them I see naked people.
Mrs Coober
So where's the problem?

Fantasy Land

Dear Aunt, I have this problem with my knob its just to big when I go into my house it hits the roof.
94STOREYL
You sad little boy, when you grow up it might grow a little bigger, but not as big as a house. You would never have enough blood in your body to sustain an erection that large. So stop worrying and read my new book entitled "wishing my penis was longer".

Lot Of Bottle

Dear Aunt, I am a lesbian but my girlfriend likes watching blokes eat each others shit. the other day she tried to put a bottle up me. I can't stand it anymore please help me.
Your highly fucked erotic dyke friend
Oh dear, it's sad when this happens. It's best not to bottle-up your feelings and find a girlfriend who will appreciate you.

Dead Animals

Dear Aunt, I AM THE SUPER HERO PULL OFF MAN !!!! me and my trusty side kick WANK-JUICE-BOY was wondering if you can masturbate with dead farm animals and not be arrested. We are currently on the job with two lush blonde African monkeys and they give good head. The Peruvian lions were to rough for my brittle bones and Wank-Juice-Boy could not manage them both so if you want to join in or just give us advice about the laws view on raping animals and the such we would love to hear from you.
94EASTP
Hmm, I see you have just had a natural history lesson. OK, I'd love to join you guys but I really prefer shagging Tigons myself. As for the law - it's illegal unless you live in Wales, where it's mandatory.

Welsh

Dear Aunt, I am welsh - please help.
Woom Feret
There is nothing that can help you now.

Beaver & Butthead

Dear Aunt, You must help my friend Dean from my school, he goes around thinking he is a beaver! Matters are not helped by the fact that he looks like one as well and has a high proportion of body fat thanks to his addiction to pork pies. You've got to help him soon because he's building a dam in front of the school entrance and soon he'll be looking for a mate to spread his evil genes.
A concerned Take That fan
You're right, beavers are known to eat lots of pork pies in order to build up a layer of fat in time for winter. It is also true that he may be building a dam to attract a mate. As beavers are an endangered spices, it would be unwise to stop him, after all, it may be his only chance of getting a female - ever! The beaver is very rarely seen in this country, particularly around southern coastal areas. If you can - try to get a photo of his activities - this page could do with a beaver-shot!

Big Toe

Dear Aunt, When I Masturbate I do it standing up with my Big toe suck up my ass. You can only imagine how much this hurts. I have already broke three bones in this manor and I jerk off over 6 times a day. What do you suspect the problem is? Is there anyway that I could see a naked pic of the Auntie by the way?
Your masturbating friend , Steve
You could possibly have brittle bones, introducing more calcium into your diet may firm up those fragile bits. And, erm, no! Auntie is very shy.

Big Bird

Dear Aunt, everyone from my school ridicules me because I kidnapped big bird of sesame street. They all say that big bird was their favourite character and they want her back on the show. You have to help me because I can't take the constant abuse of "he stole big bird , he stole big bird" and the constant sex from the fit girls.
A worried Timmy Mallet fan
What the fuck are you smoking? It's been 20 years since I watched Sesame Street, but I'm sure I remember Big Bird being a bloke. I will send you my leaflet entitled "Drug-Crazed Fantasy Homosexual Sex With Fictional Kids TV Life-Sized Fluffy Yellow Puppets And Shit".

Noddy

Dear Aunt, I have a 15 and a half inch nod and no-one will got to bed with me! What shall I do?
94PHILLIPSJ
Nod? - what the hell is a 15 inch nod? Does that mean when you are indicating your agreement with someone, you nod your head up and down excessively? Well if this is the case, and you always put a 't' on the end of the word 'go', then it is not surprising that nobody will go to bed with you.

Dumpsters

Dear Aunt, My girlfriend is turned on by foul smelling things. I can honestly say that the best sex we ever have is in dumpsters. The problem being that on many occasions dirty syringes find themselves up my arse. What should I do?
ARTIE S.
Your choice of dumpster may be the problem. You may be using one by a pharmacist, (it won't be due to drug-takers, we all know they don't put used needles in the fucking bin - they leave them by playgrounds). I suggest you use one at the back of McDonalds, they are unbelievably stinky. They usually have a thick layer of congealed fat at the bottom covered by a layer of that pink mayo stuff, then a layer of meat flavoured cardboard, all toped of with a sesame seed lid. Oh, and it will be cold as well!

Cluck Off

Dear Aunt, I have my cock stuck inside a chicken. I umm fell over and umm accidentally got it stuck in a chicken. I'm always having to pull feathers out of my bollocks. What shall I do???
Kevin Benan
Stuff a pillow with them! Anyway, I'm more worried about the chicken. She was happily clucking around trying to dodge Colonel Saunders. Before she could Hot Wing it out of there, you go and plant your Tower Burger into her Bargain Bucket and leave her with extra Mayo!

Pigeon Poke

Dear Aunt, Every time I walk past a pigeon I feel an irresistible urge to shag it, and I do. I pull my pants down and get stuck in to pigeons in the middle of a public place. I have lost so many friends over this little problem. Please help me!
Kevo Bean
Hmmm, Avisodomy! Well we all do this occasionally, but I feel that you have made this into an obsession. You could make things a little less obvious by placing the pigeon into a brown paper bag first, then people will simply think that you are a down-and-out pissing into an empty bottle.

It's Good To Talk

Dear Aunt, My jealous girlfriend caught me talking to another woman and jerking off and rammed my cellphone up my arse. The #$%#@# thing keeps ringing. How do I answer it?
Big Boy
Leave it there! Simply buy one of those 'hands free' car kits. You should be able to plug it in with skilful use of your sphincter muscle. Dialling can be achieved with your middle finger and some lubrication. You will have to carry a car battery around with you, but your cellphone will never get stolen and you can't forget to take it with you. Why not complete your mobile office with a notebook PC and fax machine stuck between you butt-cheeks. Mobile technology - now you really can talk out your arse!

Eat Pussy

Dear Aunt, My cat likes to sit on my head and eat lettuce. Every time I sit down to enjoy a good meal in a fine restruant her shocking behavior gets us thrown out. What should I do, become a carnivore?
L. T. Atkinson. Moab, Utah USA
Your cat needs some training. Next time you're in a restaurant substitute the lettuce for cabbage, which tastes disgusting but looks the same as lettuce to a cat. When she eats it, she will be revolted and will not try again! I think the real problem is that your pussy is seeking attention. Reserve an evening every week where you can be alone - where you can play with your pussy without interruption. Stroke your pussy regularly but remember to stroke gently or your pussy will get sore. I shall send you my leaflet on pussy eating problems.

Burger Off

Dear Aunt, I have a real problem, I've got my cock stuck in a Big Mac and I cant get it out!! How can I do up my zipper?
Ronald Macdonald
A common problem! You should have used a Burger King, the relish is less sticky, aiding easy withdrawal. However, now you are stuck I suggest you contact the local tramp / bum, someone really hungry. He will be able to eat the offending burger, thus freeing your penis. If you toss him some coins, he may even carry on chewing.

What A Dick

Dear Aunt, My dick is far too big? Please help!
Ben, Australia
Most women say that size doesn't matter, but they say that just to keep the 'small dicks' happy. The average size of the male penis is 8.5 inches, but they vary tremendously. Similarly, the female will vary in size too. They say that there is a woman suited for every man, it's just a case of finding her. If you are as huge as you say you are then I would suggest you try a donkey, horse, or a Russian bus driver. (Should make a change from sheep!).

Saucy Fantasies

Dear Aunt, please help me, I cant manage sex unless I think about piccalilli. I just cant get hard until I imagine that tangy yellow sauce spread all over my toes. I have bought several jars of it and have asked my girlfriend if she would massage it in before sex, but she is disgusted. Do you think I am abnormal?
Mr Pickle.
No, you are not abnormal, in fact most men have saucy fantasies while making love. Those mustard covered baby pieces of cauliflower are enough to turn on most men, you just won't get many to admit it. I am sure your girlfriend is herself hiding a secret fetish, perhaps garlic dip or baked beans. I will send you my leaflet designed to patronise really worried people.