Smeg! - The good poo guide. The most descriptive shit list ever!

Shit List.

We have compiled a list of every type of shit in existence.

It's possible that we have forgotten some types of anally egressing waste product. If you have had experience with an unlisted turd then E-mail us your faeces. If you have a picture of a particular type of poo then e-mail it to us and we will display it with the list.

The Amphibian Turd: This rare turd is so long that half of it is sticking out of the water. The only way to get it to flush is to break it up into small pieces with the nearest stick-like object, usually someone's toothbrush.

The Farty Turd: This shit comes accompanied with numerous farts and squeaks. It usually happens at work with your boss in the next cubical.

The Teflon Turd: This non-stick shit comes out so clean, you don't need any toilet paper.

The Marker Turd: This thick soft turd leaves a trail of skid mark type evidence in the bowl, but it usually only happens around your mother-in-law's house.

The Second-Coming Turd: You know how it is, you've finished, you wipe-up, you pull up your trousers, then you need to go again..

The Sticky Turd: This shit is so sticky, you use up a whole roll of arse-wipe and then eventually have to use the shower hose to get it clean.

The Garden Turd: There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, and it's already half way out. Only one option - Dump it in the back yard.

The Million Dollar Turd: There is a queue for the toilet, you are desperate, it's already half way out, and you have no garden. This is the turd you would pay a million dollars to drop.

The Phantom Turd: You felt it come out, but when you look down, there's no turd in the pan.

The Sweetcorn Turd: You've been eating plenty of sweetcorn so your turd looks like a brown version of a corn-on-the-cob.

The Peanut Turd: You've been eating lots of peanuts, and you can feel them when you wipe-up.

The Upper class Turd: It doesn't matter what this guy's eaten, his shit don't stink.

The Red-Eye Turd: Man - this turd is at least twice the size of your areshole. It's so big you have to call a midwife to help with the delivery. Your eyes turn red, you scream in terror as you feel sure this one will rip you in half before it hits the water. When you wipe your arse, along with the poo, there is a whole heap of blood as well.

The Napalm Turd: It sticks and it burns. This merciless killer is fired from high above and destroys a wide area in one hit. In case of contact with skin, rinse immediately with plenty of water and seek medical attention.

The Unconscious Turd: After a night down the pub, you fall drunkenly asleep on a park bench. You wake up in the morning to find a turd in your pants.

The Exploding Head Turd: You strain and you squeeze, you squeeze and you strain, you need a pair of forceps to get it out before your head explodes.

The Fountain Turd: This bog-rocket shoots out your arse like a Scud missile, and sends a high-powered jet of water upwards which instinctively hits you right in the ring-piece.

The Feminist Turd: It doesn't matter how it comes out or what it looks like, it's always a man's fault.

The Floater: Flush after flush, this bugger refuses to die. The only way to get rid of it is to pick it up and toss it out the window.

The Immortal Turd: You walk into a public toilet, there is only one cubical and you come face to face with the previous occupant's floater! What do you do? You can't dump on top of it because you might do a 'fountain' contaminated with other persons turd-wash. So you spend the next 10 minuets trying to flush someone else's turd that wont die.

The Liquid Turd: This is not a turd, it's more of a brown-tinged transparent oily type substance that squirts over your arse-cheeks, the seat, the rim, everywhere except into the water.

The Machine-Gun Turd: This turd is essentially a liquid turd, except for the periodic interruption of the solid lumps shooting out in a rhythmic pattern.

The Coil Turd: A very long and continuous soft turd, about the width of a pencil which coils up at the bottom of the pan. Usually accompanied by a soft whimper from the poor unfortunate donator.

The Surprise Turd: This turd only occurs in places where there are no toilets, and no possible way of cleaning yourself. You think it's just a fart, but then that’s the surprise.

The Klingon Turd: This turd clings to your ring-piece no matter how much you shake and jump up and down. Even 'biting' at it with you sphincter muscle won't shake it loose.

The Alien Turd: You look down and say "No way did that come from my arse!". All the evidence is there but you still refuse to believe that you could have dropped such a strange looking turd.

The Two-Part Turd: You shit so much that you have to flush and then carry on shitting.

The Pebble Turd: You strain for hours, but all you can get out is one tiny little pebble sized plop.

The Peek-a-Boo Turd: You get this turd half way out, then it shoots straight back inside.