Special Report
By Stilton Brownhood.

Fatboy Slim and Armand Van Helden are not the only mixing artists to hold a live 'Mix-Off' competition in front of a live audience. Smeg reporter Stilton Brownhood has uncovered details of an earlier competition between mixing artists.

June 1888 held the first ever mixing championships, where artists from all over the world converged to show off their mixing skills.

First on stage was Vincent Van Gogh, who immediately launched into a stunning mix of pink and yellow with a satin baseline. One of the judges remarked, "His rhythm was solid and showed good technique".

Next on stage came Leonardo da Vinci, to perform his latest hit mix. Sadly, his rendition of 'greeny blue with a hint of purple' did not live up to expectations. Da Vinci later explained, "I had my mixing deck stolen last week and had to borrow this deck of my flatmate, Lisa. I'm just not used to it. I think I added too much purple and ended up with a kind of brown".

A slightly drunken Rembrandt wowed the crowd with a remix of Van Gogh's 'pink and yellow' adding his own gloss baseline. Finally topping this with a magenta egg shell colour-wash. Mr Van Gogh, furious at being upstaged by his own material, stormed onto the stage and threatened to "snap his brush", before being carried away by officials. Rembrandt later commented "how can van Gogh think that pink and yellow are his concept when his satin based mix originally came from Michelangelo".

The highlight of the evening was when unknown artist Bernard Freeman and Jackson Pollock performed a duet. Starting off with two decks of pure white, the duo took turns to add a 'splash' of colour, until ending up with two complementing shades of orange and maroon.

One of the event's judges was Andy Warhol, father of the modern 'Pop Art' and painter of the now famous 'Squashed Can Of Coke' that every spotty student copies in art lessons. Warhol said after the final act, "the competition this year was very tough. The fashionable trend at the moment is to take one tedious string of colours, and repeat them while altering the tone a bit. I'd love to comment further but I've not yet been born."

Van Gogh, who was already in a mood, flew into yet another temper after he was told he was not the best, and sliced off his ear later that evening. Surgeons were unable to reattach it.

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