Hundreds of Star Wars fans have been queuing for up to 8 weeks for a ticket to the latest sci-fi movie. The Phantom menace, a joint effort between George Lucas and Jim Henson, has already been slammed by film critics, "it's obvious most of the budget went on rubber puppets", one said yesterday. Another quipped "The plot is thin, the delivery is shallow, the special effects look cheap - all this and I haven't even seen it yet!".

Lucas, 78, screamed "I don't care what those twats think, I'm still going to make truck-loads of cash from spotty teenagers buying those tacky bits of plastic figurine type merchandise shit!". Lucas, who in his spare time makes electrical automotive parts, refused to comment any further and then roared away in his land-speeder.

According to sources, the penniless film producer can only fire blanks even though he was married to gorgeous actress Marjel Barret, (Nurse Chapel to Dr 'Bones' Mcoy). The one time millionaire blew all the profits from Star Wars in the false hope that the sequels Empire Strikes Back and Return Of The Saint would also be box office hits.

Continually dogged by problems, the Lucasfilm production team initially had concerns over the acting ability of Jake Lloyd, who stars as a young Darth Vader. Then Ernest Borgnine, who plays Yoda, walked out half way though filming and had to be replaced by a plastic bag filled with turkey giblets. "Using clever camera angles - no one can tell the difference", said one employee.

The part of 'Spazbecker The Mutant' went to British actor Bernard Freeman. Freeman spoke from outside his Cambridge home yesterday, "I'm so fucking happy. I lost my wife, Ellen, a few months ago in a car crash. I thought my life was over, but now I'm in a movie.". Spazbecker was written in at the last moment after toilet-swimming actor, Ewan McGregor, suggested that Obi-Wan Kenobi should have a comedy side-kick.

Ewan McGregor, 56, called us this morning to say, "Choose life. Choose a film. Choose the force. Choose a fucking big light-sabre. Choose baby-sitting 2 Droids with personality problems. Choose getting stuck in a freight-ship 3 fucking galaxies from home with a Bungle-the-bear look-alike on a mission to rescue an ugly sarcastic princess from a nasally congested relative wearing a black plastic mask and bin liner."