Bill Clinton has today confessed to improper sexual practices with Monica Lewinski, but still maintains that this did not include any 'sexual relations'. As to just what these practices were, Monica is remaining tight-lipped. A press spokesman for Miss Lewinski, 42, said today, "This situation has left a bad taste her mouth, and she certainly now has a lot to chew over."

Attention has now drawn to the so called 'stained dress'. This dress as worn by Miss Lewinski was soiled by the presidential jiz, and then locked in a closet for five years. The white and waxy like crusty remains have been handed to the FBI for analysis, but they have yet to confirm if it is indeed Clinton splat.

At the start of the trial Kenneth Starr, prosecuting, commented on the evidence, "There really is a lot to swallow… Clinton cannot claim that he did not inhale this time… we just have to clear up his mess.". Al Gore, the office arse-lick, seems to be the president's only ally - "It's not the fact that he had sex. It's not the fact that he lied under oath. But he will have to face the shame of picking the ugliest woman in the office, after all Linda Tripp looks a far better fuck to me!".

Monica Lewinski, who was known as the White House Bike, (everybody rides her), made the mistake of blabbing the hole story to her 'buddy' Linda Tripp, who shafted her by taping the conversation, (can anyone smell a set-up here). The 'Tripp Tape' as it became known, was never entered into evidence, but Linda, 61, stands by its validity; "The tape is genuine, and yes I am a better fuck than old Fatty-Bike!".

In a recent development, red-faced Clinton, who just celebrated his sixty-first birthday, has started firing missiles at just about every country in the world. It is believed that he was aiming for all the satellite up-link stations covering the trial. Given the size, Monica Lewinski would have been a much easier target, but she still continues to testify.

Other famous people who have been caught with their pants down include Peewee Herman, and George Michael. Herman was arrested for wanking in a cinema, and Michael was arrested for wanking on a policeman. Its too soon to tell if Clinton is also a wanker, but it will be a long time before he gets as popular as Nixon.

Don't miss the next news feature - we exclusively interview Bob Lazar, the man one row in front of Peewee Herman just back from the dry-cleaners.

Stop press!

The latest - in a shock sensation, the Starr report has been released. It details all the antics that the kinky president gets off on while at work.

Shockingly, in one sex act, the president smoked a cigar which had been inserted into Monica's minge. Although it wasn't the first time Monica has had a Cuban up her, Clinton apparently commented on the unique aroma. Obviously, the president is unaware that this 'unique' aroma - a blend of stale tobacco, fish and spunk - is what every old slapper smells like.

In another revelation, Clinton ate peanuts from Fatty-Bike's flaps while she apparently chewed on bills walnuts while spread on the office desk. (Brings up an image don't it!). Earlier today, Hillary, 82, was seen happily laughing by the side of her husband, indicating that she has not yet read the report which described her as a 'Dried up old bitch with no sense of fun and smells of cabbage'.

The report - which left no stone unturned - also made damning references to the presidents fetish for custard, piccalilli, bicycle pumps and sheep-sacrifice. Ex-president Nixon speaking from his retirement home in North Vietnam commented, "Thank fuck for that, I thought I was going to be the worst president for ever! I can't possibly comment any further as I have been dead for several years".