By Stilton Brownhood.
Concerns are deepening over the latest reports of the Fist-And-Mouth epidemic. The infection is much more widespread than at first thought, Stilton Brownhood now reports...
Fist-And-Mouth disease has become the most terrifying virus to hit the gay community. Once infected with Fist-And-Mouth, the victim can be identified by a stringy white 'froth' hanging from his moustache. With no known cure, the gay must be destroyed immediately and burnt in the hope that this stops the infection spreading. Reported infections are coming in from every corner of the country, squashing any hopes that this could be an isolated outbreak.
|Man with Fist-And-Mouth|
Contamination experts believe the source of the disease originated from a London gay club. Pasquale Fudgering runs the Peek-a-Boo club in Soho, which has just been placed under a quarantine order. "This is really bad, nobody is allowed to leave the club. I've had to lock the doors with some lovely pink fluffy handcuffs". One regular replied, "the club has tried to keep us occupied by organising some fun games like 'hide-the-sausage' and 'mind-the-cumshot-vicar', but we're all so scared. I knew the day would turn bad when I left my house without my favourite handkerchief."
|Entire heard of Elton Johns Burn|
Landowner, Quentin Slackpiece, last week purchased 14 rent boys - a decision he now regrets. He explains, "I was offered the chance to buy cheap rent boys for breeding, now my whole heard of 42 Elton Johns and a Russell Grant has had to be destroyed". His neighbour replied, "That's nothing you big beefy bitch, I had 50 head of Dale Winton alone. I only sniffed the pants of a once-only bi-curious male, and had to torch the lot."
The last outbreak of Fist-and-Mouth disease came in the 1970's when gay band Village People had to be burnt along with their manager and all the master tapes. The infection was so widespread that the entire gay population of Britain was destroyed - only two survived. "Luckily, we were able to bread from them", said professor Jasper Codlips of the Pink Hamster research facility. "We managed to restock the entire population. Now I reckon by the end of the week there will be no gay meat left. I feel scared to breathe or yell out loudly in case I breathe in too hard and contract the disease myself. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to inseminate some incubation toilets".