The News.
BONG: Cops wrap a crapper rap on chap-slapper star!
BONG: Undercover cops uncover celebrity uncovering!
BONG: Mr Careless wrister in a twister!
BONG: Wham star rubs police up the wrong way!
BONG: Greek cheek freak had a peek and finished up the creek this week!
BONG: Last Christmas singer says he hasn't stuffed a bird in ten years!

George Michael has been arrested for a 'lewd act' in a public convenience at the Will Rogers Memorial Park in Beverly Hills. Police will not reveal exactly what the lewd act was, but it is believed that he was choking his chicken. The public convenience is a known haunt for poofters who regularly slap their chaps out at anyone entering the loos.

Apparently, this sort of thing is called 'cottaging'. Turd burglars like to drill 'glory' holes in the cubicle walls and then shove their tackle through for the queer next-door to chew on!

I shall stop there because it looks like I know too much about this subject.

Today, Smeg News has obtained the police report. It reads:

ON Tuesday, April 7, 1998 at 14.50 Officer Shan Davis and I (Officer Marcelo Rodriquez) had a day off from beating black people, and so were working plain-clothes crime suppression in the area of Will Rogers Park. Due to the increasing number of complaints of shirt-lifters gumming each others plums in the men's restroom, we checked for any subjects rubbing off in the stalls, or playing the one stringed banjo.


As I made my way to the men's restroom, I noticed several muggings, rapes and drive-by shootings. I ignored them all because I was on poofter patrol

I saw a limp-wrist exit his black Mercedes (licence 2ZEW565). He skipped across the street and proceeded to the men's restroom.

This subject was a male, white, in his 30s, wearing a black cap, blue/green T-shirt and quick-release sweatpants with white stripes. I could see that this subject walked into the men's restroom. It is a small facility with one stand-up urinal, one small stall with a glory hole and one sink. There is only one entrance door and the stall has a swinging door.

As I walked into the restroom I noticed the male subject, later identified as George Michael, standing at the urinal. Michael turned and glanced in my direction as I proceeded to enter the stall. We were the only ones in the restroom.

I walked into the stall and stood by the toilet with the stall door open. I had a pretend piss. I could not see Michael because of the stall wall but I could hear that he was bashing his bishop.

Michael stepped away from the urinal, leaned against the wall and looked into the stall.

I noticed that Michael was exposing his erect penis. He began to shuffle his bunny with his right hand. He repeatedly glanced over his shoulder to look outside the door and as he continued to pull his hood Michael dropped his sweatpants revealing his arse cheeks.

He was not wearing any underwear. Michael continued with his five fingered knuckle shuffle as I walked past him, almost brushing his love spuds. I was getting quite turned on at this point so I walked out of the restroom and contacted officer Davis. Michael and I never engaged in conversation, although I had a fucking good look, after all its not every day that a superstar wanks over you.


Officer Davies and I contacted Michael as he exited the rest room.

Officer Davis explained the nature of his violation. Michael told Officer Davis: "You bitch, This is entrapment, you should be arrested for looking at blokes all day!" Michael told Officer Davis that he did not have any identification with him. We placed Michael under arrest and Officer Davis transported him to Beverly Hills PD jail. He was booked under his real name of Stavros Panayiotou.

Smeg News has received many open letters of support for the shamed cottager:

Hey George, I've got a great idea:

Why not slap on a truck-load of make-up so you look really disfigured. Then appear on television and flatly deny wanking over a cop. Continue by adding that you love cops and would never do anything to harm them. Then tearfully add the fact that you are hurt by these accusations, and feel humiliated at having to show your penis to a courtroom.
When all this television crap is over, give the cop $10M in an out of court settlement and that will be the end of it all.
Hey, it just might work! lots of love,

M. Jackson.


George, I've got a better idea:

Make up some story about how you were nowhere near the toilet at the alleged time and that you were practising your swing. Then, in the courtroom, get your lawyer to make up a catchy jingle like 'he did not, would not, and could not shuffle his bunny in a public convenience'. Claim that the shoe-print in the urine could have been made by any size 10, and that the bindle containing the sperm sample was contaminated by the bungling forensic scientist Dr Fung. Then proudly walk around the courtroom trying to put your hands around your penis while proclaiming 'they don't fit!'.
If that doesn't work, call in another scientist with an incredibly hugely long name, to explain how the splatter pattern could not have been made by one person alone!

Lots of love,


Hell shit man, Thatís bull. All ya gotta do is say "yeah, I was rubbing it, but I didn't inhale!"

Luv Ya,

B. Clinton.

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